Sunday, November 30, 2008


What does 'wait for the Lord' truly encompass?  

How are I to be possessed by that?

It has been two thousand years and so far, no substantive proof that Jesus has arrived with the New Kingdom.  Two thousand years is an awfully long time.  Are we idiots?  Is our faith debunked? Are we living in some magical fairy land which we term: Christedom.

Well, no.  

Waiting is part of spirituality.  It is the purple dark of an orchid awaiting its bloom.  
We must wait; for it is all our calling, our mysticism, our destinies.

Some wait with fever; others wait with power; others wait with anger and greed; while, still others wait with holy reverence and love.  We choose our own Waiting.  

How are we to choose?
How are we to ponder and recollect and think on these things?

The choice lays deep within our spirits, I sense.  Deep, so deep, that words do not express its profundity and depth.  The choice often is unconscious, is led, is offered to us as something altogether different.  What we consciously choose may not be what we are really choosing; or, rather, have it chosen for us.  The choice is  God's.  Waiting is the process which God utilizes within us...  

It appears, does it not, that we are abandoned at times.  Yes, it does.  However, that abandonment is more often the closest we ever get to the Divine and his Love.  Yes, I know; for, I have lived a multitude of darkness' to render this experience of God true and valid.

  • God waits.  
  • God is Waiting. 
  • God is the Wait.

For us, stillness of heart and quieting of spirit ... that path leads to the sacred, holy Wait ... that journey toward the Godhead and toward all our own destinies.  

Wait for the Lord, his Day is near ...   

Saturday, November 29, 2008


Pain is my companion.  
I suffer each day.  

No pill nor ointment nor medication removes it.

It is skeletal, it is invisible; and, it is always.

The pain sometimes is so intense that I feel as if I shall black out; but, I don't. Mary, ever Virgin, sees to that.  My faith in the saints and Christ soothe me as their suffering, I do now join.  This concept was difficult to capture for me at first.  Suffering as sanctification.  I'm rather slow and it took me years to grasp the intent and meaning of this type of suffering.  

  • What does suffering mean for me, for anyone?   
  • How can it be good?  
  • How can it be beneficial and helpful to a soul?   

For my life it is:
Belief.  Communion.  Oneness.  Compassion.  Holiness.  Sanctity.

  • Look upon the Christ.  Look how profoundly Christ suffered ... as an unspotted Lamb before his slayers.  Look at not simply how he died; but, why he died.  He died so all could inherit the realm of living, undying saints; indeed,  of redemption in his love.  He died so that any smallness we have can be elevated, unified, and united with him.  He is Messiah; we are human. By imitation, we are sanctified, we become Compassion; we become Healing; we become who we are as Person.  

It has taken half a lifetime to learn that my pain and mortal suffering has, indeed, strong meaning and purpose.  Its purpose is to make me a saint in his Kingdom.  Its purpose is to help me love others in ways never before thought.  That's the purpose, that's the reason, I discovered.  I take it all in its uncomfortableness; lift it, bless it in my littleness, and repeat it... over and over.  Lift, bless, repeat.  

Then, anything is sufferable with this ointment of attitude.  Then, it can be chosen for sanctity for it is given over and redeemed; I am redeemed and given over.  

I have suffered near a lifetime:  Today, I understand a bit more about sanctity and sacredness within a human limited framework.  What it means, that is, to receive after pouring out and pouring out some more until you are dry bones and hollow as wind.

For there it is: To comprehend suffering, my friends, is it not like grasping a sweet rose in the thick of a briar bush?    


"Abba Lot went to see Abba Joseph and said:  Abba, as much as I am able I practice a small rule, a little fasting, some prayer and meditation, and remain quiet, and as much as possible I keep my thoughts clean.  What else should I do?  Then the old man stood up and stretched out his hands toward heaven, and his fingers became like ten torches of flame.  And he said:  If you wish you can become all flame."

So, what do we have here? What is before us to learn and study?  What fruits do we glean?

What is seen in the Gospels regarding the Letter of the law and the Spirit of the Law.  For me, this Desert Saying is about my life in the Spirit of the Law.  Oh, sure, I can observe, and fast, and show obedience, and bow, prostrate, and genuflect; yet, are all those things living in my heart for the Heart?  I look deep inside and query.

Outward signs of inward and interior graces can, in my view, become muddled and leaned upon as interior grace alone.  The outward signs could be simply static and not reflect the liveliness of the spirit within.  This points to problems known only to the person ( imagining that they are conscious ) and to God.  Yes, I've seen myself sleep walking through my life of the Spirit and such precious time it wastes!

So, I ask myself:  Am I a living flame, with ten torches held high for the Divine?  Or, am I a dull nothing with only show to offer?  Crucial questions in crucial times.  Pray God that I be on fire for Him, only Him, my Husband and friend.  May I please Him with the lights of flame instead of words of emptiness.  May I see my path through fire and blaze rather than through the unsteadiness of self which may blind and lead astray.


And, when I have been drunk with passion, and swelled with the oceanic love and joys which God, the Divine, brings; it is then that the emptiness follows as an inflated balloon issues its air. The purgation of all within, all that sated and fattened me, becomes a hollowness for the other's space and time; becomes through and from the 'Other'.

For me, it seems like this:

I am enormously engorged with Him with the juices fruits, and meats of his joy and love; only to digest them all, incorporating it within my being; then, utilizing this spiritualized input to feed another as I empty my fill, my communal kenosis.  How can God be there for my sisters, my brothers if I am so full?  No, there needs be inner-emptying; for, it is the kenotic way, the better way, the way of choice.

Indeed, am I not his petroleum station; his wayside food stand along the path?  I am empty then filled, used, then emptied again all for my sisters and brothers.  If I become interiorly barren for his sake; others may be satisfied for his sake.

Oh, yes that is the intoxicating pilgrimage of ecstasy and desert commingled, working as one with the hand of Christ touching and caressing and embracing all humankind through one of his tiny, inconsequential servants, so happy to bid his pleasure.

Friday, November 28, 2008


So, a snail crawls up to a person's house and knocks on the door.  
A Man opens the door, sees the snail, then picks it up and throws it as far as he can.

Two and a half weeks later, the snail knocks on the door again.

The same Man answers.

The snail says to the Man, "So what was THAT all about?"


It seems the World is awash with negativity and 'bad vibes', utilizing the vernacular. I feel it within myself each time I get behind the wheel or encounter folks hurried and rushed in the marketplace. Sometimes, these moments of negativity and harshness render my spirit depressed and distressed. At times, the feelings I find difficult to shake.

A few weeks ago, I came to a notion of detachment; whereby, those negative feelings, I pray inwardly to neutralize. That those negative emotions, I send to Mary, ever Virgin, that I wash them in the Blood of the Unspotted Lamb, and offer them to be cleaned by the power of the Holy Spirit. Praying earnestly in my heart, to the Heart, I ask and plead for neutrality and peace within. Perhaps, the feelings may not become positive; yet, the feelings have been neutralized and detached.

Detachment is crucial. Attachment to people, things, places, even memories, leads to grounding in our transitory world. We are of dust and to dust we shall return. We are passing through this world; we are in this world, yet, not of this world. Detachment leads to inner peace and further availability for relationship with others in a deep fashion.

Now, this paradigm works for me. Lately, I have encountered some hard situations which in the past would have supplanted my feeling of peaceful interiority. Applying these above mentioned techniques of prayer and supplication, the hard and negative feelings fled. It was grace which freed me. Grace which healed me. The grace of God which entered me and softened the emotions and allowed detachment and inward quiet to reign ...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


The other evening, Pumpkin, my 7 year old mixed breed long hair completely spoiled rotten cat, and I were just playing around with his favorite toy: Bird on a Stick. The toy is all chewed and loved up and stroked and kissed and battered and seen much better days.

So, we were playing with the 'Bird on a Stick' and Pumpkin flopped on his back with all fours way high in the air and I teased him with the feathers in his face and his eyes widened, his mouth opened large, and his front and back legs extended as wide as could be. He was purring so loud, well, even the neighbors could hear.

And, I thought: This is how I am with God.

In the Presence of the Divine, in the object of our greatest desiring, I roll upon my back with eyes wide open, mouth wide open, and all appendages reaching upward, loving what I see, trying to grasp it in its entirety!

I learned something that evening with Pumpkin. I learned that I love God as much as Pumpkin loved Birds ( faux as they were ) for it is as natural for him to love and desire as it is for me to love and desire. That both of us reach and work to glory in our love and that it is all good and it is all well done and makes perfect absolute sense ... human, feline, and Divine.


In my poustinia of the spirit, deep inside my heart, I watch and witness and experience the suffering of all classes around me. People speak their stories and often they are stories of disenfranchisement and marginalized living. People living a shadowed existence with no one with whom to speak.

As one who is still and listens, I hear so many tales and watch the tears flow; however, never do I question ... so far ... the Divine in these folks as they speak. Theirs is a journey of the Christ, theirs is the walk of Job. Theirs is the flight into the desert where temptations await and sanctification will come.

'Be Still and Know that I AM God'... how crucial those ancient and new words are to each of us in our personal chaos and 'unstillness'. Silence is not so much our society, our culture. Silence is uncomfortable for it invites depth of thought and forces us at times to peer inward. The knowing of oneself is lifelong and ofttimes avoided for its spiraling nature deep inside.

Read this: Acquire interior peace and a multitude of men with find their salvation near you. (St. Serapion) ... Mind you, not through you; but, near you. That is good and makes sense. We are not the Divine but mere mortals. By our living others can see and watch and take part in the numinous of the Spirit. Not through, but, astride/near/next to.

The Divine, the Holy cannot be, as I see, in the winds of materialism and consumerism. Those are flights wherein they begin and never end. They fade and tarnish and die. It seems to me in my long painful journey toward God, toward the Heart, going inside in prayer that it is what is unseen which lasts an eternity. The unseen, the invisible, the intuited. 'Where your treasure is, there be your heart also'

As an Anglican Professed nun, I pray for all and listen to all and my life is ever a kenosis, a self-emptying one as to fill myself with God and his greatness. To be available, in my emptiness, to the other is the vocation I follow by Christ's lead.


What does it mean to be a monastic in today's culture? What does it prosper to give up everything to follow an invisible God? Why would someone even do it given all our society can offer the person? It is almost non-sensical; however, to some it is the only way to make sense within.

Yes, I am a fool ... a fool for Christ's sake and how happy I am to both share in its witness and its personal pride ( to use a dangerous word ). The 'world' in a matter of words, I have left. Not physically; however, but, by the Vows I took and follow and love and honor.

But, here is the heart of it: Though I have died to the world, the world is ever-living in me now. As a nun, a Celibate, my world has widened to such a degree that all are entered into it and we join together in sorrow and joy; peace and happiness; brokenness and integrity; purity and pollution. It is for the Vows that I am free. So very free to love all as Christ in his Freedom loved and gave all. I am not Him; I imitate Him.

Though alone, my prayer is joined by many who need someone who is still and available and open and inclusive and loving and all that the Gospels teach.

I have a story to share:

Alone the other day, a person came to me. This person had something to say which really wasn't what they truly intended in heart to say. Ever so slightly, this person's eye was tearing ... so slightly as to not notice almost. "What is the tear?" That was all it took. A simple notice of something, a window inside to something. This person shared a pain, an agonizing pain they carried for years. And, I am but a whisk broom sweeping up and tidying up.

Each hair upon our heads is counted: We, too, are watched. Falling, we are lifted; stumbling, we are dusted off; weeping, we are joined.

So, my Vowed life is sensical for me for I am his servant and witness to the Light that loves all equally.

Simplicity, Obedience, and Chastity, though counter to our driven world, it is the Divine's task for me.


The enigmatic Glenn Gould, Canadian writer, Pianist, once wrote ( paraphrasing)

"When I am with another, I need 'x' amount of time to recover myself. He continued, everyone has their personal factor or formulaic inner number of contact followed by aloneness."

That is very insightful and is also quite human. Oh, we could get into the Introverts and the Extroverts; but, that is another subject altogether. I would like to stay with what Gould said.

Whether or not this formula is learned over time, changes over time, or is innate and inborn, I do not know: however, I shall agree with Gould that indeed, yes, there is this factor present. In my wanderings, I observe some ignoring their internal factor with the result being: stress, anger, self-abuse, and/or other societal woes. In a real sense, this human equation must be noted and obeyed for peace of mind and personal serenity.

I have experienced this in my life numerous times. For me, my algebraic equation is very high, perhaps, higher than most. I am a Monastic who needs plenty of time for thought and time alone. Sometimes, days alone. That is self-care and palliative for my soul. If I ignore it, stress occurs and I am in unbalance. The quotient of silence, too, is high for me. For my inner pendulum to be still, I need hours upon hours of absolute silence. Again, days sometimes.

Others don't have similar needs. Others can live feeding of the energies of other and manage beautifully; for, in fact, they would become diminished or nutrient depleted were it not for their constant concord with others. For me, as passive observer and pray-er for all, it is of interests to see different personalities with different scopes of need.

For oneself, this is one to ponder within:

Who are you?
What is your formula?
What suits you and nourishes you?
What empties you and leaves you withered and dry?

Think about Gould's equation, apply it to yourself, thinking deeply and most thoroughly.

Glenn Gould was a master thinker and writer of the 20th century. Would it not behoove us to listen, read, and inwardly digest the sensibility of his words.


iPhones, iPods, IMs, Text Messaging, Chat Rooms, Mall musak, televisions, stereos ablaze, sound sound everywhere, in all places. Indeed, a veritable invasion of cacophonous sound. We must internally vibrate 24/7 with all this input. We have become wired in our own wiring. We have become addicts to noise.

Moderation in all things is what is counseled by those sagacious ones. Yes, moderation. Yet, how, in our world connected today is it possible to achieve silent, still interiority? Peacefulness of spirit, how radical an idea: however, it is an idea whose time has come. It must come but for the sheer, stark sanity of our species.

In my 'Cottage in the Trees Hermitage', I take note of the outside goings on . It seems that if we don't stop for one single moment, our lives shall end. That, in fact, the silence is the silence of the dead. I sense it could be suggested apparent in the 'awkward silences' of our daily routines. Being still and silent amidst noise isn't comfortable for some and is anathema to our cultural milieu. I watch as we have evolved ( or, perhaps, devolved ) into a go, go, go people with lists in our hands, chaos in our minds, meetings to fly to, people to text or IM Right Now, if not, immediately.

I query within: Who put the nickel in? It is almost as if we move fast enough for long enough, more and more will be accomplished and magically somehow more time of Life shall be granted. Indeed, the Superman notion of reversing Time by speeding backwards around Earth.

How much depth is truly missed in the rush. Not simply depth within ourselves; but, more poignantly, the chasms of depth within ourselves. If we cannot achieve a modicum of stillness, how really can we 'be' with another? We can't, I sense. We simply cannot. To truly 'be' with another person, first we must have a degree of quiet inside ourselves, emptiness inside ourselves to allow for the 'other'. How can we listen if we won't stop talking?

In my estimation and experience, inward silence is grasped slowly; however, is grasped through, pointedly, detachment. To clarify, a detachment as in letting go, breathing out, observing passively. This may sound like 'non-love'; however, quite the contrary. Imagine: If we are in a personal or spiritual twitter, question how we can truly be available as loving toward others. It is diametrically opposed. The two states cancel each other and thereby no one is attended to as Christ for one another.

Silencing the inner noise, the randomness of rancor, the onslaught of input is a path toward peacefulness and love for Neighbor. It is a spiritual discipline and is fearful, at times. Our culture in ways maligns the still, the silent; yet, that ought not to work against this wonderful and bountiful gift for yourself and the other.

Allow yourselves the giftedness of sacred silence, of holy rest for the recompense that it contains: Relationship, inner renewal, and priorities aligned in ways you may never have dreamt.